On Father's Day

"Our parents have made so many mistakes;

But may we forgive them, and forgive ourselves."

--from "The Sun and the Moon" by mewithoutYou

Even with Father's Day coming up, I hadn't really thought about it until I read PostSecret.

What can I say about my own father?  Well, I had one, but only in the strictly technical sense; i.e., there was a man that donated his genes to my conception, and watched TV in my house for ten years afterward.  But nothing I could say would really say any more about his positive influence on my life.  To be fair, he seemed to take more real interest in me after my mother divorced him; but by then, puberty was already starting up, and it was too little, too late.

No, my father's main contribution to the person I've become was his absence.  His disinterest in me during my childhood because I wasn't fast or strong, and didn't like sports; his failure to keep in touch with me during the years I lived in Florida.  When I talk about fatherhood, I'm talking about something I don't understand.  I never really had one.

It's hard to talk positively about a void.  That is:  How can I tell how different my life might have been if I'd had a loving, supportive father?  Would he have taught me how to shave, and fix things, and talk to girls?  Would I have more confidence?  Would existing in general be less daunting?  For all I know, my life would have been completely different.  But I don't know.  So it's not like I can really feel sorry for myself about it.

I'm not really sure what I'm writing; I just wanted to write something.  Don't take from this that I hate my father.  I used to; but with much personal growth and prayer, I've forgiven him for all he's done against me and mine.  But sometimes it hurts, when I feel that absence, and wonder if things might have been different.  In any case, if God sees fit to give me children, I hope I can be better to them.

Since I don't have a father to honor this Father's Day, I'll dedicate it instead to my mother, who I know has always done her best even when she couldn't help; and to her father, who works really hard to take care of us all.  If you have a dad, don't take him for granted.