Be[longing]

Sing to me
Sing to me
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cellar of my heart
I really want to go

There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
--from "Asleep" by the Smiths

I'm reading To Own a Dragon by Donald Miller. It's a book about growing up without a father, which is something I can relate to. And he wrote this:

"Deep inside, I believed life was for other people--joy was for others, and responsibility was for others, and so on and so on. In life, there were people who were meant to live and people who were accidentally born, elected to plod the globe as the despised."

I really couldn't have said it better myself. That's exactly how I feel. No matter how nice people are to me or how much they seem to want me around, I still always have this horrible sense of being outside--I can join in on the jokes, and I can feel a little of the affection, but it just never feels right. It feels like it's stolen; like it's not for me.

Miller goes on to write that for a long time there was nothing he could do about this feeling except ackowledge that he had it. And I can't do anything about it either. And it really hurts, because the only thing I really give a shit about on this side of Heaven is for someone lovely to love me, but I'm almost certain that even if they did, I would still feel like it wasn't mine.

And I'm just really not looking forward to living for another fifty years.