A Thorn in the Flesh

I've just come out of a bad depressive phase. Really bad. Possibly the worst I've had since leaving Florida.

I'm prone to despair. The way that I, at my very worst, wallow in misery, would give any sensible person the idea that I enjoy it somehow. C.S. Lewis speculated that people are divided into those who enjoy being happy, and those who, odd as it seems, don't. And I think I've been part of the latter group. There's a foul, black pleasure in wretchedness that I can neither explain nor justify. It is but one of many things that must be mortified in me.

But it is completely incongruent with the person that I really want to be. I want to be happy--I want to want to be happy. I want to take all things from God's hand as they come; giving thanks for the present pleasure, asking grace for the present trial, and not sacrificing joy on the altar of some possible unhappiness in the future.

And that's what's occurred to me. This whole time, I've been asking God to save me forever from that gray cloud of depression that's hovered just behind me--so often smothering and obscuring everything in view--my whole life, when I should simply have asked enough grace for the day, or hour, or minute, and attended to whatever was being asked of me at the moment. And I never seriously considered that even Paul had a thorn in the flesh, having which he gave God more glory than if he had been whole. It's true that the Lord is the only One who could ever drive that cloud away; how if He willed that it continued to follow me, so that I stay close to Him?

So, I guess I'm just saying that I'm doing well right now. And I'm trying very hard not to think about how long it will last, because that's the whole problem of despair--it looks too far ahead. We have to stay in the present--giving thanks for the present pleasure, repenting the present sin, asking grace for the present temptation. I'm trying to do that. And not to forget.

"[T]here was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.
For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.
And he said unto me, 'My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.' Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
2 Corinthians 12:7-9