Circles

So if you know me, you probably know I got rejected from the only college I've ever applied to recently.

It's a setback. It's really disappointing, because I felt like I was getting on track and getting my life moving somewhere, finally, and then this is how it turns out. Add to that the fact that I'm completely horrified of rejection in any form (this neurosis is at the core of a lot of my less desirable habits), and I'm set up for a good depressive phase.

By God's grace, I avoided getting too down about it for too long, but it's odd--before I could catch it, the thought actually crossed my mind: "You know, it's been a while since I've had a good wallow." It's so perverse, to take such pleasure in misery; yet I have, and unless God helps me, I will again.

Oh, God help me. If I love sorrow, it will never leave me.

I guess I'm not really down about it anymore--if you're a Christian, you know the whole spiel about God's sovereignty, and if you're not, it's really not a starting point; so I won't go into it--but it sucks to be right back where I started. Now I have to start looking at two-year schools, and junior/community colleges, and I don't even have any idea where to start.

I just really don't want things to be the same. Wandering in the wilderness is one thing; walking in circles is another. I want to feel like a real, living person; like I'm doing more than just metabolizing and respiring. Most of the time, I just feel like an accident; like I'm not supposed to be here, and it doesn't make any real difference if I stay or go. And I can't keep on living that way. I need to feel like my living matters. I need to know that I'm doing something that no one else can. I need the people I love to have actually, tangibly better lives because I love them. And I don't think that can ever happen if things stay like they are now.